Blogging again at cruising altitude. I think I figured out what happened on the flight out to Virginia so this post should stick right here. Fingers crossed.
When journeying by air you become familiar with this phrase: “…..if you are traveling with someone requiring assistance, please be sure to put on your own oxygen mask first….”
Yep. It’s true and while I know it (taps forehead with finger), I am learning to truly know it (rests palm of hand on chest). And therefore do it (flaps arms rapidly while jumping up and down). OK, I didn’t actually flap and jump but it was an interesting visual…..I hope I didn’t worry you. Now…where was I? Ah, yes, the doing part; that was how the trip evolved; I was starting to flounder and the Universe presented me with a work conference in Norfolk. I could attend this and then visit family while having to be responsible for only myself; I would not take Rebecca and that was the difficult but necessary piece of this.
This is the first time I have been away from Rebecca since our world got crazy. I have used every tool I know for maintaining a healthy mind/body/spirit and I recently added a low dose anti-depressant to help with the PTSD/anxiety left over from all the death and destruction. My Higher Power has my back as it was soon after starting that med that Rebecca was taken and I realized I was hanging on by my fingernails. She cried when I left last week but I was losing cabin pressure rapidly, the oxygen mask was dangling in front of my eyes and there was no turning back. I grabbed it and ran.
Did I feel guilty? Yes, but my survival instinct won the day. I am not sure Rebecca could grasp the concept of me going on vacation by myself, for myself, (I can’t either, actually, hence the conference part of the trip) and in fact she spent the first twenty four hours after my departure being rather surly. Sarah helped her buck up via Face Time, which we have found to be a marvelous tool for communicating with her, and the days rolled on.
Once Rebecca remembered that snarling about the situation wasn’t a productive way to manage it, her mood brightened and she started to attend to the things she needed to do. Her bike tires required attention, laundry was waiting. She went for a run or two and knew she could call or text me, which she did. My being out of town was on her monthly support calendar so her staff was aware. She could count the days on her calendar. We had cooked before I left and she had meals in her freezer. William, Kate and I shared photos and we did a Face Time visit once. Sarah helped her work through a small emotional collapse at the end of the week. I couldn’t have had this time away without William and Sarah’s support.
Rebecca survived this separation and I hope as the new normal of our lives becomes more familiar she will be less prone to meltdowns. This week provided more insight into how to support her; I am not going to live forever and one day Face Time won’t reach wherever I am (probably the Lido deck in hell, truth be told), but that is not today.
I have been the woman who packs along at least one of everything, ready for any 
eventuality. Part of this came from living with a man who slowly sank into chemical dependence and I never knew what I was coming home to, or what was coming home to me. This week I off-loaded much unnecessary cargo and didn’t feel panicked; impending doom as a companion is exhausting and I am getting used to the feeling that the world is not going to end every time I turn around. I like it!
The view from 30,000 feet is one of my ship riding higher in the water; all my emergency stores were swamping my boat. Sarah and her family, William, Kate, my Dad and friends are helping me breathe into a new lightness of being.
I am one lucky Momcat, renewed and ready to press on.
What is your oxygen mask?
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