It has been a long dark tea-time of the soul (thank you, Douglas Adams); murky and dense and sloggingly…well, just slogging.
I mean, the individual days have held reprieves of music and art and my people but overall…oy.
The year of grief began again with my Dad’s funeral.
His death, now undeniable, marked the passing of the last adult who had been in my corner, and somewhere in the dark, decrepit back room of my mind where I have apparently stashed so much over the years, an old dusty bottle fell off a sagging shelf and shattered.
The sadness of what I had missed, how things should have been oozed out and I simply spun in.
After a while (months, I think), I felt like I was in some primordial soup, starting over, swimming through the detritus of living in 50 years of dysfunction.
Today I finally feel that maybe I am making progress, keeping my head out and doing better, even though I have moss and slime in my hair. Settled enough to write, at least for now.
These are some things I learned:
To be present every day was a fight. It still is, but it’s becoming less onerous.
I had to answer this question many times: Do I even want to be present? Numbness can be preferable to feeling and I understand the lure of oblivion.
Waking up crying is a thing.
It is possible to wake up in a panic attack.
Said panic attack can last for hours. I discovered that carrying on with work and things while my heart is going crazy and my head might explode is a skill I didn’t know I had. Self-possessed about feeling possessed. Haha.
I (still) find dark humor a great coping mechanism.
“Breathe, blink focus” (thank you Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle) is a useful anchor and has saved me many times.
Some people are just broken and mean. MB, the person who professed to care for my Dad and insinuated herself into our family took everything, getting my Dad to change his will and liquidating assets, photos, keepsakes and belongings. My brother and I asked for his ship’s bell and officer’s sword as that was all that was left and she has yet to send those to us. Ghosted. I hope she has the kind of life she deserves.
Pruning and Focus
I focused on music and art to ground me; I’ve improved in both and enjoy spending more time in those pursuits. As a result, I have less time for tending this website and have decided to close up shop. I started this blog when my life changed drastically and I may decide later to revive it.
My crystal ball is broken, so who knows what will happen?
In the meantime, I will continue to write on Medium so I hope to see you there. You can sign up to be a subscriber and posts will go directly to your inbox.
I never share your email or send spam and of course you can unsubscribe any time.
If you have questions hit me up at claire@dancesintherain.com
And when it all seems to much, “breathe, blink, focus”
I’ll see you around.
